One thing I have to keep reminding myself of, is that where I am in life, is pretty darn good. The number of times I get caught up in the whole comparison game, is shocking. I mean, I’m the one parading ‘I Am Enough as I Am’ around social media and asking my clients to believe it for themselves.
I guess the reality is, it’s the reminder I actually need for myself.
The not-enough-ness is like a fever that I am trying really hard to break. And it literally has me running around feverishly trying to achieve, progress, and tick things off the list so I can finally breathe and rest.
I thought that because I was no longer projecting my not enough-ness into an eating disorder, that I had cracked the code. Perhaps I did crack the code, but I still have to remember the combination. At times it escapes me.
You know those times when you’re looking at a friend’s instagram posts and they seem all the rage because of the number of likes and comments she has?
Or the clutter is piling up in your house and there are some familiar cobwebs in the corner, but you just don’t have the desire or energy to do a deep clean?
Ever listen to a podcast and the host is a good 3-5 years younger than you and she’s sharing all these great tips on how to have good boundaries, blah-di-blah, and all I can think is, ‘why haven’t I sorted myself out yet!?’
Yep, been there.
Then there’s the panic that kicks in when I think my ovaries are going to dry up by the time we get around to having kids.
Which means hurry up and get either-or…. actually I’ve got one better… both the fish farm and The True You Project, to a place where I can take the foot off the pedal and it still provide for us financially. Because you should’ve cracked the ‘provide for yourself financially’ code by now too.
I was talking about the ups and downs of the recovery journey with a girl I’ve walked alongside with for the past year in her bulimia recovery.
‘What happens when you learn to walk? Or ride a bike? You fall, right? In fact, it’s kind of expected, right? I mean, you wouldn’t expect a child to get everything right the first time they learn something new, so why do we hold ourselves to this high standard as adults?’
I hear myself spout out these words of wisdom, and yet it’s still is hard to apply to my own life all the time.
But then again, I guess, this whole, ‘I Am Enough as I Am’ thing is still pretty new too. It’s only been 3 years or so that I actually started to believe it.
So maybe, I can cut myself some slack and give myself some grace as I learn how to treat and love myself better, and anticipate that I’m gonna have some falls along the way.
Maybe you could too?
My sister just had a little baby girl. For the past week, all she could say about her daughter was, ‘She’s perfect!’. ‘Perfect’ is including the poops to clean up, the challenges in finding their rhythm breastfeeding, and the cries of hunger every 3 hours. Far from ‘perfect’, yet perfect all the same.
I hope my little niece remembers her mother’s words as she gets older, tries new things, and falls.
Because she will fall. We all have, and will.
But we also have a chance to learn to accept ourselves and love ourselves as we trip up. That is the gift that makes us perfectly human.